1. Seek friendship first in a relationship.
Next to both of your relationships with God, seek friendship
with your significant other first, before romantic love. It
shouldn’t be about how good he or she is in bed, but rather
about the presence of true intimacy, or, “into-me-see.”
Instead of allowing the other person to see your latest
underwear, let him or her see your heart by engaging in
open and honest dialog, spending quality time together,
edifying and encouraging one another, learning about one
another’s dreams and goals, and helping one another
achieve the plan that God has for each of your lives.
I know it sounds like a fairy tale, but it can be true. More
importantly, you have to believe that it can be true for you.
Friendship should be the foundation of your relationship,
before and after marriage. Your mate should be your best
2. Don’t ignore red flags.
Just about every divorced Christian woman I have talked
to in my travels have said that they knew, before they married
the person, that he wasn’t the one for them.
Whether or not they had a gut feeling about it a few
months before the wedding, or days before, they lacked
peace in their spirit about their upcoming marital vows
and ignored the inward warning from the Holy Ghost.
Don’t ignore the red flags. If he hits you before you get
married, he’ll hit you after you get married. If she curses
you out before you get married, get ready to stay on top of
the roof after you get married.
3. Know that love is a choice and not just an emotion.
So many people confuse romantic love with real love,
which is actually agape love – the kind of love that God
has for us. God deposits agape love into us once we
accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Agape love is
unconditional love which doesn’t change like the weather.
Don’t think that just because you get butterflies in your
stomach every time you see a person that that’s true love.
The same person you “fall in love with” because they
bring you flowers every week could become the same
person you can’t stand because he forgets your birthday,
and if that’s the case then that wasn’t true love in the first
place. At the end of the day, after he or she may have
gotten on your nerves a million times, true love still says,
“I love you.” Not “I love you if…” but “I love you” – period.
4. Guard your heart.
Proverbs 4:23 says, Keep thy heart with all diligence;
for out of it are the issues of life. The word, “keep,” in this
passage of Scripture actually means, “guard” or
“watch over” so this Scripture could read, “Guard our heart
with all diligence,” or “Watch over your heart with all
diligence.” Note here whose responsibility it is that your
heart be guarded; it’s not the other person’s responsibility ,
but yours, because the subject, “you” is implied.
So you may be going out with brotha Jerome and brotha Jerome has
told you that he’s not lookin’ for a relationship with anyone
but you still want to “hang out,” and hanging out every few
weeks turns into hanging out every weekend and now you
start developing real feelings for the brotha. You can tell
yourself all you want that nothing’s there and you’re not
attracted to him, but deep down in your heart, the more
you spend time with him, and the more you hear this
man’s voice on the phone, the more you start to really
You could be falling for him big time, while at the
same time he could view you as a little sister.
So you have the responsibility to guard or watch over your
heart with all diligence so your heart doesn’t “take you there”
emotionally – to a destination ending in no where.
Situations like this only end up in one person getting his
or her feelings hurt, because he or she chose not to
guard his heart.
5. Follow peace, not drama.
If your relationship right now is seemingly putting out fires
every week, or every other day, consider that a red flag.
If you’re on the phone talking to your girlfriend about the
latest drama between you and your boo, know that that’s
Also, it doesn’t make you look good because
you’re the one yapping about the person you chose to
spend your quality time with.
As believers, we are to follow peace. God is the author of peace;
satan is the author of confusion, strife, and every evil work.
Satan is the author of “drama” and every “hell date.”
I’m not saying that relationships will not, at certain times,
have their own storms to weather every once in a while – but come on,
That’s not God’s perfect will and that’s not godly.
6. Don’t expect another man or woman to be the key
to your eternal happiness.
It is not another person’s job to make you happy. Sure, if
you’re in a relationship you’re supposed to be happy, but
it should be an added joy and not the main source of your joy.
Your main joy should be in Jesus and the relationship that
you have with Him – the relationship with Him that says,
“I will never leave you nor forsake you,” and, “I will supply
all your needs,” and, “while you were yet a sinner, I still
introduced my love to you and died for you because I love you.”
That should be the joy that sustains, not that which comes
from a fallible man or woman – an earthly being who has the
capacity to upset or disappoint you. It would be unfair to
expect another person’s job description be to make you
happy all the time. Besides, a healthy relationship is about
give and take, not just take, take, take, take, take!
7. Don’t settle.
Ladies, don’t believe the statistics and the media when
they say that most men are in jail, married, or gay.
Sure there are more women to one man, but you only need
You don’t have to share men or settle for a man
who is an alcoholic or abusive towards you mentally or
physically because you feel this man is the best you can
Consider our Father in heaven, Daddy God, and
how He treats you, and speaks to you, and provides for
God wants you to have His best, but first He wants
you to become the best by getting to know His authority
and character more by reading His Word more often.
God’s Word is God’s Love Letter to you. The more you
read it, the more you become like Him, and the more
you realize that you are wonderfully and fearfully made
and should not have to settle for less than God’s best
for you. You will realize that you are a precious gem to
be found and that good things come to those who wait.
So stay focused, remain steadfast and unmovable,
be patient, and don’t settle for less. Like the saying goes,
“I can do bad all by myself.”
A refreshing voice for today’s Christian single, Kim Brooks is the Award-winning, National Bestselling author of novel, He's Fine...But is He Saved? its sequel and her latest novel, She That Findeth - an Atria/Simon & Schuster release. As a licensed minister, she is also the author of several self-help books and eBooks including, How To Date and Stay Saved and Singles, Overcome! A former guest columnist for Gospel Today and with appearances on The Word Network and in EBONY Magazine, Kim Brooks shares, through the Word of God, how it is possible to live an exciting, purpose-driven, drama-free abstinent until marriage lifestyle in the perfect will of God. Subscribe to her free daily devotional for singles, which reaches thousands globally, and for more information about her books and booking visit www.KimOnTheWeb.com